Homecoming, to myself....again...

So is it odd, to feel alone when you are surrounded by people? I have been on the verge of depression and no matter what wondeful things may happen in my life it seems as though I can't help but fight this feeling of submersion. I am reluctant to continue seeing my therapist. I know she means well, and some of the stuff we discuss are true issues that I have to deal with and I know this. But to be made to feel as though I am this abused unfunctioning person, is rather daunting. And I hate being the victim here. Yes, life has been hard and pretty crappy. But that is how it is for some. I am trying to learn how to cooperate and be a good citizen and be an even better parent than mine were. I never blamed my father, but he is also at fault. He neglected to stop the abuse, so in turn he was also responsible. At least he has apologized. My mother, well, I am not fond of her. She is everything that I hope not to become. I see myself becoming her, nonetheless...and it is quite frightening and maddening. How could this all happen? Where did it begin? When will it end?

I don't think I can rely on my mind to be healthy and stable. When there is silence and I begin to think, it becomes my weapon. Silently mocking me, making me over analyze things in a manner that is almost embarassing to discuss. It betrays me and tells of what I have suffered. Like my heart, which I tend to wear on my sleeve. My old and weary heart. The one who doesn't believe in love anymore. I used to think that "Love conquers everything", but it doesn't. And I have become better at being less emotionally involved. My past relationships, I have kept a necessary distance in my heart. Fucked up? Yes. But in turn I have not had to nurse a broken heart as of late, especially not over the losers that I tend to get involved with (not to include the most recent love interest). Who knows what there is in store in the future for me, all I know is that I will try harder to be true to my heart and my self. That little girl who is afraid, is no more. I am a mother now and I have to be strong, reliable, and independent now. Maybe not by choice, but because those are the cards that were dealt to me. I miss my old life, but I don't cherish it, like I cherish my newfound freedom. The silence of my home on a Saturday night. The quiet mornings I spend on my porch, smoking, drinking coffee...reading a book. The freedom to do what I please how I please and when I please.I can not sacrifice these things again. How I missed being me. It's like my homecoming. I am finally home, to me.

So back to the therapist: She is silly. Yes, I know. But she is. It's odd to open up to someone. But after being in Maryland alone for a couple of months it was rather easy to talk to someone. I missed my family, but I didn't want to become a burden to them, with all my petty problems and I am painfully shy, so it's hard to make real friends. So, I think I will continue to see her, to take care of myself. I don't want to be fucked up anymore. I'm broken and I am seeking someone to help fix me. And here it goes....back to therapy...again.

So maybe I made some mistakes and made the wrong choices and took some wrong turns.

But I wouldn't change a damn thing about myself and what I have been through.

That would mean I would have to sacrifice a part of me that may be vital to how I am now.

So being lonely has been good, I got to learn about who I am, was and will be.

I am a strong, independent, and stable woman (yeah I said it!)

I have learned and experienced so much that I couldn't even begin to explain it all.

It is odd, that I have done so much of the things that I feared, and I have done them alone.

With only loneliness as my confidant and as my only company:

I have learned what it is to be Me, again. And it felt good.

Welcome home...how we missed you!