Insecurities

It's odd, how you can feel rather insecure about yourself and be so self doubting, yet be confindent in certain abilities you may possess. I suffer from this oxymoronic way of a life, my thoughts are ever contradictory and seriously bittersweet. I'm rather nostalgic of the sweet innocence that I lost once I "grew up". I miss being a kid. The freedom it ensures: in thought, word, opinion, and dream. I miss it. I see my son. He doesn't see me as a woman, but as his mommy. I'm here to change his diapers, provide chicken nuggets on request, refill his apple juice, and put in the Zoe's Dance Moves DVD at will. I am here to tuck him in at night, to attack him with the tickle monster, to pick up his toys and put him in time out when he doesn't obey me. I am this life force to him, ever constant and non changing. He doesn't see the wrinkles, varicose veins, the stretch marks, scars, blemishes and "flaws" that I have. He just knows me as mommy. Why can't the rest of the world be as non-judgemental as children? Whom judge us by words and actions and not on appearances? I miss those days. I do it, too, so I guess I can't really complain when people do it to me. I judge people, but I try to give them a chance. I force myself to look past the standards of beauty and have met some of the most loyal, awesome, and just down to earth people this way. Had I been a stuck up haughty bitch, I would not have cultivated some of the friendships that I have. I try to see past the exterior, for that is not the whole of a person. I know that! I get judged on a daily basis. People assume I am a certain way, and once they get to know me they are surprised that I am not like that, at all. I don't consider myself pretty, or good looking even, I think I am plain and that's it. I am not perfect. I think I am overweight. My skin breaks out easily, all over. I have stretch marks and varicose veins and I am only 22. My hair has so much gray in it I have to get highlights so people stop pointing it out. I am hispanic, so I'm just naturally hairy, and it's not blonde...yeah I know, gross! I have a plethora of scars on my legs, hands and elbows. I think my chest is too small, and my ass too big. I hate the way my belly jiggles, and no matter how many sit ups and running I do, I can't seem to make my thighs or my stomach get smaller. I think my arms are too buff, almost manish. But then I think, the world can go ahead and judge me on my looks, but I will continue to be a good mother, I try to be a better soldier, I shall become the sister, aunt, friend everyone wants. I know how to make a person feel good about themselves. I'm good at that! Because I don't want anyone else to feel as insecure about themselves as I do. I am constantly pinching and sighing and bitching about my body, and how I wished I was something different, better, prettier, overall happier. Isn't that sad? That this society makes us think that if your not blonde, blue eyed, thin, young and basically gorgeous, that you fall short of being good enough. That you have to and try to be something that God didn't want for you? God wanted me to be pale, brown eyed, mousy haired, and hairy. And that's what I am. But I can't lie and say I didn't try my hand at trying to be what our society accepts as beautiful or "hot". I can't fit the mold. So where do I go from here? Where do the imperfect people go? Is there a place for people like me, where we can be accepted as we are and not be judged for our looks, but for our hearts and minds? I haven't been lucky enough to fins that place. But I try to make it my home. My escape from the bitter reality, that if you're not the American ideal, you can never live the "American Dream". I don't want my son to grow up with that mentality. I want him to have a pleasant childhood, without ridicule for being different, but acceptance for being able to stand out, and be something better....greater...than the ideals this society has built. I wish his future doesn't have the same insecurities and lack of acceptance as mine has. I thought when I grew up and joined the Army, that I would blend in. Not stand out. I thought it would be a safe place to hide, to be green and not yellow, or white, or brown, or red. To be equal. But I'm not. And that is the realization I have made today. This sucks!