I dreamt of her last night, without recognizing the significance....

You must be wondering who....Ha ha......Well, sorry but it's not for me to say...but I can describe it. For it felt so real. I saw myself back there once again, as a child. In that magnificent room. The sun splashed the walls with golden light, infuriating the walls with it's sunrises and sunsets. This room full of all the dolls I could dream of. Various sizes and colors. But never allowed to touch any of them. Their plastered smiles and painted cheeks beckoned my touch. They soft, springy hair yearned to be brushed. Their satin and silk dresses demanded to be changed. Their empty unblinking eyes, just stared. Bore holes into me. All I wanted was to play with the dolls in that illumnating room, inside the house that smelled of fried dough and rising bread. I would stand in the middle of the room. And barely breathe, as though my breath would touch these precious mannequins. I wanted to run over and grab each one by their tiny hands and cradle them in my arms. But I was forbidden from that. I can understand why now, but as a child I didn't. I thought it a cruel and unfair thing to do. Have a room full of dolls, yet not allow the children to play with them. I still remember her smell. Like soap and clean linens. And like the country that I always wanted to live in. The fresh air, the ripe sun, the blossoming fields of freedom. I loved her smell. Her wrinkled, pited face. The leathery, silky texture to it. Her raspy hands. Her onyx hair, much like a beautiful mane....thinning and wisping lightly in the breeze, the gray streaks that shimmered in the sun. Her eyes. Those eyes, hazel and so kind, seeming to know so much yet so little. Those wonderfully wise eyes. And her voice. Like chimes in the winter breeze. Cool and light, yet warmed the heart, in a startling way. She had this quality; that magnetism or charisma. I don't know how else to describe it. I was drawn in to her. I absorbed her every movement emulating her, never knowing how annoyed she was by my presence. But she never wanted me. And now I understand. I didn't know then, but now I see things through an adult's eyes. Not those eyes of a young child. I dreamt of the room. Always prohibited to me. Never was I allowed to touch one doll in there. She kept them from me, like she kept her affections. And I understood why I always felt like I was never good enough. I think it started with her. And that goldenrod room filled with the beautiful dolls and the astounding sunlight. I have never seen the sun crash through my windows as it did in that room. I have never seen a room full of dolls like that. And now, I hate dolls. They frighten me. All because my curiousity was unsatisfied. I couldn't help who I was. I didn't make the choice, yet I was also punished and banned from them. I have not dreamt of that room in years, and she never was present in the dreams. But she was last night. And she actually let play with the dolls. And I now understand what it all means. I shall bask in the fiery glimmering radiant splendor of the room. The room that I dreamt of last night, and she shall play alonside of me.