Because I forgot who I was...

So here I am. Sitting here trying to recall who I was 5 years ago. I forgot how it was to be new to the world. To expect things to be beautiful and grand. I forgot what it was like to have big dreams and big ideas. I forgot what it was like to believe in real love. The one that infects your belly and your heart. I sat here and contemplated who I wanted to be. Those magnetic aspirations so quickly forgotten and tossed to the side for some other dumb kid to pick them up. I can never be those things. And I think I have come to terms with the fact that when you grow up, you forget to dream, love uncoditionally, and to expect great things. I know I may not be old in years, but this heart beats an old dusty song. One of years gone pass. Of happier, simpler times. When you could place happiness on another. When you could truly rely on someone. Not anymore. This world's full of selfish people. And that is what I have learned. I am unhappy for stupid reasons. It makes me angry, and makes me feel guilty. For wanting such superficial things that can not grant me the erhereal happiness I long have searched for. I forget that my son is only 2. He is here to annoy me, to frustrate me. Because he doesn't know any better, yet. I forget that I am not the only one in Randy's life. And that I am not his sole purpose for existence. So why do I get angry when he doesn't want to spend time with me? Have I gotten so immature in my idealistic view of love that I have turned into this selfish monster that I so despised in my marriage? It's crazy that you can spend some time alone and feel so stupid. But I do. And I need to apologize to my son. And spend actual time with him. It's not his fault that I hate his father, or his father's family. It's not Randy's fault that I'm insecure with myself and feel he needs to spend every living, breathing moment with me. So, here goes: I am sorry everyone. I shall make a concious effort to not be so demanding. And to accept what I get from you. Without judgement or without harsh words. I am going to meet myself once again. The five years ago me. The one who laughed with an open mouth, the one who believed in God. The one who thought people were mostly good. The one who believed in random acts of grace and in miracles. The one who wanted to go to college and become a veterinarian. The one who never doubted herself. The one who believed that I could accomplish anything. The one who was proud of what she was, no matter the situation. That's who I yearn to meet again. Only for a moment. So I can remember all of it. I sure do hope you still love me as I am, Randy. And I sure do hope you still love me as your mother, Gabriel.