Behind this mask....
I know I am confused about my future, my life, myself. I don't know a lot of things. I feel like I can't express them directly. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I am not well. I am trying to figure out who I am, where I am. I am lost. Inside. Of myself. I put on this mask and I hide how I feel about things. I bottle them up. Tuck them away. Not because I want to. But because that is the only substitute I have for anything in my life. I put things off. And then like a bomb everything hits at one point. My bottle gets full. My tears get angry. My emotions spew out of me like jagged knives. I can't control the brushfire within myself. I want what is best. I put myself last. But no one thinks about what I might want. No one tries to comfort me. I don't want anyone to worry. I miss...
I can't even say it. It hurts. It's too much. I wish my tank were on empty. It is full of all the things I thought I let go. I forgive, but don't forget. I can still remember everything vividly. It poisons my thoughts, my love. I can't begin to explain it. But the mask goes on once again, and I am on the stage awaiting my lines. I say sweet things, I laugh like an imbicile, and I smile all the falseties in my being. I radiate all the emotions and transcend them to be the reverse of what they really are. I can't help it. It was beaten into me. I would be pleasant and placid. I would sit here quietly while you trampled on me. I can't carry on. Your dead weight on me drags me down. I can hear your legs sliding accross the gravel. And I can smell your sweet sin. I am unsatisfied with me. I look at every mark of imperfection, and can see you pointing them each out to me. As though I were a blind person. I can't. I can't. I can't.
And yet, as much as you sicken me, you entice me. You take me back. To laughter.To tears. To belly aches. To joy. And I will fall from the sky upon you like the beading off the clouds. No lining, just dampness. And with it you will hear my desolation. You will feel my heartache. You will know every tear I cried over you. The angry words will echo with my drop.
I want what is best. But what is? I don't know how to get there. Help me. Tell me. Whisper your toxic love into my ears once more. I look for you in people. Yet, I am disgusted with them when they act out as you did. I want to prepare myself for you. I can't. I can't. I can't
As much as I am scattered about. I can't.
I can't even say it. It hurts. It's too much. I wish my tank were on empty. It is full of all the things I thought I let go. I forgive, but don't forget. I can still remember everything vividly. It poisons my thoughts, my love. I can't begin to explain it. But the mask goes on once again, and I am on the stage awaiting my lines. I say sweet things, I laugh like an imbicile, and I smile all the falseties in my being. I radiate all the emotions and transcend them to be the reverse of what they really are. I can't help it. It was beaten into me. I would be pleasant and placid. I would sit here quietly while you trampled on me. I can't carry on. Your dead weight on me drags me down. I can hear your legs sliding accross the gravel. And I can smell your sweet sin. I am unsatisfied with me. I look at every mark of imperfection, and can see you pointing them each out to me. As though I were a blind person. I can't. I can't. I can't.
And yet, as much as you sicken me, you entice me. You take me back. To laughter.To tears. To belly aches. To joy. And I will fall from the sky upon you like the beading off the clouds. No lining, just dampness. And with it you will hear my desolation. You will feel my heartache. You will know every tear I cried over you. The angry words will echo with my drop.
I want what is best. But what is? I don't know how to get there. Help me. Tell me. Whisper your toxic love into my ears once more. I look for you in people. Yet, I am disgusted with them when they act out as you did. I want to prepare myself for you. I can't. I can't. I can't
As much as I am scattered about. I can't.
posted by The Devil at
1:02 PM
1 Comments:
Uhm, is there something I should worry about? Someone I can't remind you of?
I try to comfort you but don't want to smother you. I think about what you want but you rarely tell me. I will worry about you regardless. I want you to be as happy as I am. Many things in my life are still fucked up, I am fucked up but none of that bothers me too much because I have you. I may still have bad days I may still be cranky but inside I am still happy and thankful that I have you.
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