Undreamt

The lump in my throat swells so much that I can barely stand it. I bite back hot tears and it hurts to know that I am still failing at something that seemed so simple to do. My tongue flickers in my mouth curling the smoke around my mouth. And even the taste of it is sweet compared to the bitterness of my mouth. The breath flies in and out of me like traffic on the highway. Fast and angry, in quick swoops of time. I think back to my childhood. To my younger years. To my complete failure then. I want to be better than her. But I can't be. Her blood courses through these veins of mine and infects my blood with her anger and most of all her disappointment.

How did I get like this? I never wanted this life of invisible chains. This life of immense responsibility. To feel like a mess every waking day of my life. Always spewing anger from my mouth. To feel time slowing ticking away from me. I live my life for you. And you take it all for granted. You take me for granted. Easily discarded. You spit lies in my face and set off rages in my heart. You spark off a fire of abuse within me. You make me her. my worst, Never my best. I want freedom to do as I please. Freedom to soar to new heights. I secretly blame you for all my mistakes. For all my failure.

Who knew this is how this woud be? That lump is still there. And those hot tears threaten to fall from my eyes. I can't cry. It is weakness. It is failure. It is acceptance. It is surrender. I can't. I constantly defend you, but to no avail. You continue to make me a liar. Promising untrue expecatations. Maybe they are right. This too shall pass. But I only see it getting worse. I live for you. But is it the right choice? This guilt is killing me. I can't continue on. I want to give up. I am but a lost ship in the night. Help me. Find me. Cast me back onto the docks of safety. I feel so weak for letting this get to me. Will I ever tell you how I feel? Will this guilt ever subside? Will you ever ask?

I am nothing but a younger version of the one thing I loathe the most in this world. I am a failure. A fake. A phony. I am lost. I am insecure. It kills me to know this. I am finally in the dark place I never wanted to go. I can't escape who I was meant to be. Am I to become her copy? Her very duplicate? But with anger and rage the size of the moon? The guilt sucks me in. It feels like a blow to my chest. It is deep and painful. And all I can do, is let it. I am not better for it. I am worse off. How can I continue? I fail you everyday. I ignore you. I put you off for another day. Not now. Not now. Not now. Always not now. I put you off like a lazy summer day. And this is all my own consequence. For this is all of my own doing. By my own stern hand.