I think I might drop my basket....

I know that lately I have been unbearably angry. I'm angry at so many things. I'm tired, exhausted, confused, weary and definitely worn down. I want so many things that are beyond my reach. It's frustrating. The people around me want 100% and I can't offer that. I fall short of expectations and I hate being seen as a mistake or a fuck up. But that's how I feel. I feel the pressure building in my soul, inside of me. There is an insumountable amount of pressure. From everyone. From my unruly child, who demans my affection, devoted attention, and unconditional love. From my boss, who wants me to study and go to "mock" boards. NEXT WEEK! Does she actually think that I have the fucking time to study? WTF?! I barely have time to breathe when I get home! Who the hell wants to study Army shit? Especially after a long day here at work? She wants me to do my accredidation for my job, which I do deserve. I know my job basically inside and out, yet don't have any paperwork to back me up. I just feel so stressed. Like the weight of the world rest on my shoulders. Not that it does. But that's how I feel. I am losing it. I have completely lost my sanity, it feels like. And I have no one to turn to. Or at least that's how I feel. It's not that I can't talk to Randy or my family, but I feel like I burden them enough with everything else, that I would hate to stress them out. I just...I don't know. I know I have an appointment with my "therapist" on the 5th, and I really need to go to that. I just don't know. I feel so alone. I feel like I should give up. I'm breaking down. I'm just so tired and overstressed. This past month has been crappy. My pay was fucked up, work has been a bitch, my ex wants to come up here in April. WHY?! He is going to get Gabe in June! So why come up here a month before?! I don't get it. I'm already stressing about him coming up here. I'm not going to burn up my leave time to accomodate his lazy ass. And I'm not trusting him with my car...especially not here in DC. And I don't want him in my house. Judging me and the way I live. I don't need "daddy" to come check up on me. It's the last thing I need. Plus with work being how it is...I just...UGH!!!!!!!!! I'm not trying to be a bitch to Randy, but I don't know what is wrong with me. I just am angry at everything else and the fact that no matter what I do, I can't control my child. Not that I want absolute control, just enough to where he listens and follows instructions. Is that too much to ask for? He makes me feel like a terrible mother. It used to be so easy. I was super patient with him before. But now, it seems since I don't vent my other frustrations he just sets me off. It scares me to lose my cool like I do with him. It's as though my short fuse is amplified when he is around. I'm pissed. At what? Well, a lot of things. I am pissed that I had to move here. It makes my personal life much more difficult. I don't deal well with change and I am still learning how to accept in the inevitable as far as my son son goes. I know that I will tied to his father for the rest of Gabe's life whether I like it or not. So why make it a difficult relationship. But he makes it damn near impossible to talk to him. I hate that I can't tell him important stuff or that I let him basically walk all over me like a damn welcome mat. I don't want him to come in April. Yet, I have not made it completely clear to him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. After all we are divorced now. No need to try to fall back into that familiar role, one that was not wanted and isn't wanted anymore. I just feel so tired and just defeated. Like my lifehas sucked away the last twinkle in my eyes. The naive and immature view of the world that I once possessed is being mirred by sadness and just this depression it seems like. I can't seem to find happiness. It's not that my life lacks it. I have plenty of happiness and plenty to be grateful for. But I just am so exhausted and worn down. And that's how I know I shall soon drop my basket and lose it all. It's how I have always functioned.