My Ghosts of the Past Keep Haunting Me....

Before I was legally divorced, I had met someone that I thought was a really great person. He taught me to be assertive, to stand up for myself, and how not to be such a push over all the time. I was thankful for having him come into my life, and teach me that relationships weren't about explosive arguments, resentment, and false promises. But I was wrong about him in so many ways. He was emotionally unstable. He drank. A lot. He had to drink to function. I saw past that and saw that he was just deeply wounded from his first wife. I never asked him to put down the bottle. I just supported his decision in a very indirect way. I never addressed it. But it bothered me. Once he found out that I was tagged with orders to leave San Antonio, our "relationship" went sour. He became aggressive, verbally abusive, argumentative, suspicious, and just down right an asshole. But I didn't blame him for being like that. See that was the old me. The one who never put blame on anyone. Everything was always my fault. And he added fuel to that fire. He started to do things that frightened me. I was afraid. Of someone that I loved. Isn't that funny? I understand now, how those women who get abused physically must feel. They are manipulated into thinking that that is just how they are loved. I understand it all now. Because he did that to me. Not hit me, but abuse my mind and heart to think that way. That he was behaving like a normal, "in-love" guy....which he wasn't.

I am so thankful for having Randy in my life. We have yet to actually argue, and he loves me in the most sweet way. He is just gentle with me. He understands me without saying a word. He sees what others can't. And I don't have to tell him. He just knows. I hope he knows that I truly appreciate him. For everything he does. I couldn't fathom my life, my future without him by my side...commitment or not. I just want him to know and see that I love him. Like I have never loved anything in my life. I have been rather selfish and greedy in relationships. I was in my first marriage towards the end. I have been with other relationships. I tend to want everything and not give much. I gave a lot of myself in my marriage in the beginning though, and see how that turned out?

Well, as of yet, I have not been a very giving person. I have not kept up a wall, but I am not as careless in using affection and kind words with Randy. It's not that I don't feel those things, because I do. It's hard for me to put how I feel into words. Into sentences. That make sense. That explain that I, too, feel that way. That I am ecstatic to have him in my life. That I hope this never fades, or that the light he has brought into my heart never dimishes.

So back to the psycho guy....He called me last night. He always does this. He calls me, I tell him to leave me the fuck alone that I don't want him calling anymore, yet....he insists. I usually get all fucked up about it, because he knows how to make his words sting my heart. And for a while, I didn't think I would get over him. Funny, huh? I thought that maybe that was who was meant for me, but I hated him and loved him all at the same time. He was like this drug, took me higher than I could have imagined, but when the climax of those highs wore off the crash down was just that. It was lower than I have been. He made me see the multi-facets of what relationships could be. I was depressed....a manic depressive when I was with him. He drove me insane! So do you understand how this would fuck with me, when he would call? It would twist my heart in a knot, and my belly would do somersaults with anxiety and fear.

But last night was the only night since I have known him, that I didn't break. I didn't cry over him. I just was pissed. I could have sworn up and down that back in September that I told him to leave me the hell alone. To not call anymore, that we were not "friends". That we were OVER. That I needed him t respect my decision to not be with him. I repeated this again. Hopefully, he'll leave me alone, this time.

So why did I decide to write all this? Well, since I have been with Randy....I have thought a lot of my past relationships. The characters I have played. I am not playing one with Randy. I am actually learning to just be myself. He can either take it....or leave it. I refuse to try to be something that isn't me. For a long time, I doubted if I would be able to have a good relationship, especially after psycho guy. I kept a distance in my heart from people that I was in relationships with. I didn't want to fall again for anyone. Not after my track record. And with psycho calling me, reminding me that I was his..that no one would love me again...well, I had a very distorted view about relationships and such.

But last night was the first time that I actually felt closure. Like I had been hanging on to him for whatever fucked up reason. And I know this might hurt to read Randy, and you have a right to be upset. But this is something that I have finally done. On my own. I needed to sever the last string of connection there. And I think I finally did. Thank you, Randy. For showing me that love doesn't come with consequences. That it is not hateful, or argumentative. That it's not greedy, deceitful, or resentful. That love is good, and kind. That it's full of hope and real promises. That it is about opening your heart, and your mind to the sweetest of all songs. The song about real love. The love that you only read about nowadays. So, thank you, Randy. I love you with all my heart, and I actually mean it.....