Beautiful

From time to time, I tend to inadvertedly keep my emotions in check.

It's not something I like about myself. But it's my nature. I protect myself from being too exposed. Too vulnerable. I don't want to hurt too much in the end.

As time passes by, I think more and more about my mistakes. Where I could have tried harder, where I could have given up. The beauty in all this is that hindsight is always 20/20. I can't correct things. Nor, do I honestly believe I want to.

This post isn't about just one thing. It's an overall view of where my life is headed. I am surrounded with possibilities, but I always place this wall up between the world and me. For fear of being let down, of getting my hopes up and them amounting to nothing.

I wish I were different. Less stubborn. Less jealous. Less...

Well, I can't. And I am not.

Those aspect of my personality balance me out to be who I am. I am not perfect. Nor do I know of anyone who is. And I don't want to be perfect. Anymore. I want to be just me. The real girl trapped inside for all those years.

I don't want to be seen as this pretty adorned eggshell of a person without an ounce of substance, or of spunk. I am obnoxious, sarcastic, and I am me. That is who I have been since I got away. I wanted to let all those things inside of me go. As I put more miles between home and me, I let go of the chains. I dropped them, threw them out. They are scattered between here and Texas.

I guess I fear that if I return so soon, I will fall back into that idiot I was. I am scared. I catch myself doing those things, and feeling that same emptiness. But I quickly bounce back and the emotions flood my very being. They push out from the insides of my skin, bursting through me. And I am no longer that shell I once was.

So many things change. It is the only constancy in my life. Or anyone's. I want to protect the ones I love from that. I want love, affection, and a joyous life. I don't care to be rich. I have survived off of nothing. Money doesn't buy the smile on my son's face, or the twinkle in his eyes. Money can't touch how is feels to be in a secure and warm embrace of a loved one. Money can't buy health or even sustain it.

I have so many regrets. And pent up emotions. But that is the beauty of being alive. Is that I still have the capacity to feel. I am not dead inside. I am alive. I laugh until I cry. I cry until I laugh. I get so angry that I feel like I will explode. I get so happy that I could burst. I dream, I hope, I have been let down. I have suffered, I have experienced joy. I bleed, I sweat, I have pushed myself too far. And mostly not far enough.

That is life.

And it is beautiful.