Sola en mis miserias

There was one time when I belived that I could possibly marry you. And the more I recall that time, the more naive I see myself. I wish I could have just been better. For me. Not for you. Because I began to depend on you. Enraptured by what was you. And I was left feeling filthy and as empty as you are. I was nothing but a prize to you. And that hurt more than loving you. I was never the one you talked to, you pushed me away. Always twisting my words or actions to look unfavorably upon me. I was nothing but a child. You left me. Remember that. Because I will never forget.

Eventually, I began to hurt others as you did to me. I was cold and dead. Just like you were. And I began to like the games. The manipulation. The lies. The tears that fell from their eyes for me. I was powerful like you. But I was still empty. Only filled with heart break and memories of our addictions. I filled myself with drugs to forget you. But I only filled my glass with the esscense of you. Not for your sake but for mine. I was dreading the day I would have to repent my sins. For I had been what I began to hate. I became you.

For years of causing pain, I was lingering on thoughts of finding something good. Something substantial and worthwhile. I could no longer keep on trekking on this thin ice of hate towards you. I began to heal. I moved on. I found something mediocre in that time. I was unhappy. But I continued on for my sake. And the sake of the only man I vowed to actually love. I never spoke the words to anyone, just to him. As he lay in my arms at night, and would smile up at me at dawn. I cursed myself for being so putrid. I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't deserve him. I had learned to let love in. Unconditionally. He still loves me. And I am thankful for that.

I found my equal. And it was, is, will be good. I was happier in ways I have not been in my life. I was a constant reminder to her of how much she had missed in her life. And I was a mistake to her. But with him, I was incredibly happy. I couldn't believe my luck. I had thought that I would never be able to find a good person for me. But I did.

I make mistakes. I push him away at times, but I never want him gone. And he may push me away harder than I have been pushed or have tolerated. But I will always be here. No matter how hard he pushes me away, I will be there every night. I will be there every morning.

Don't talk to me. Fine. Don't say anything to me. Fine. Push me away. Fine.

No matter what You do. I'll still be here. Even if You don't want me. Please know that I will always want to be a part of Your life. Whether You want me there or not is up to You. I can't undo the damage that has been done, and whether it is anything at all. All I can do is apologize and hope things don't change for the worse. I am the weakest person when it comes to giving up. I am stubborn mostly, but I know what battles to choose and which to let go. I will give up. My fight. But I will never give up on You.

Just know that You are the only thing that has been of any actual value to me. I am finally happy. But if You aren't then I guess I should give up hope.