Rain

You crashed on my windows. You drenched me with cold kisses. You slapped yourself onto my land. You came down angry, and you came down softly. I miss your scent. I miss your touch. The soft caresses as I ran through you. I miss your temperamental mannerisms. And your delayed displays of aggression. You filled my land up with your tears. Not the hot tears that I cry, but cold tears. I can still recall you climbing down my spine, wicking yourself onto my skin. Covering me with a cool hand. Your sight is beautiful. Depressing. But everything that I miss. I miss your song lulling me to sleep. Your small rivers. Your placid lakes. I miss the sound of you crashing agaisn't yourself. The defness of your song. Always lonely. Always melancholy. Why did you sound so alone? Did your home not want you? Were you discarded onto me like the trash I threw out? I would hold you in my palm. I would let you hydrate me with your coolness. I feel you falling on my brow. I hear you shuddering in my ears. How that song rang! It was exquisite. Each voice different, but so recognizable. You unveiled me with your caress. I can feel your cold skin on mine. I can relive the day I ran despite of you falling angrily from the skies. How you cried so hard into my own eyes, that I could not see. I couldn't bear to leave you. And with all the magnificent things here, you are sorely missed. Nothing compares to you. How you came down, and I dance below you. I waited to be baptized by you. To feel you quench my skin with your powerfullness. The darkening skies, the midmorning showers. How different and alike they all are. Your cold breath, before you strike. The mild breeze, warning me of your entrance. How you watched. Waited. You were always such a dramatic individual. I twirled around underneath you. Expecting you to unfold before me. To ruin my outings. To elevate my moods. To scare me in traffic. So unexpected. So spontanious. So full of life and death. So full of yourself, that you crashed onto the hot pavement. You fell and I caught you in my hand. And watched you roll from there onto my arm. You are beautiful. You are scary. You are free. You are still captive. You are depressing. You are enlightening. You are all the things I am not.

Twenty-first

Six months ago, I sleep on my couch. Alone. Contemplation ringing in my ears. Thoughts of love, being mislead, being lied to, invoking the person I never wanted to become. I chased after him. Held onto him. Even though he let me go. I didn't realize it. I asked for one more night. Not to be with him, but to feel someone's prescense alongside of me. To not feel alone. To not feel so broken, and apart from everything I have ever known. I wouldn't succumb to slow withdrawal on his part. But alas, he ignored my calls. I stopped dropping by. I felt wronged. It hurt me. Even though I never harbored true, substantial feelings. I just wanted to quench my thirst of the loneliness that my life had become. I let it go. I carried on. Wounded pride. I played the same questions in my head, along with my saddest records of heartbreak. I smoked my cigarettes and dranked my red wine, sadly. Alone. Without anyone to confide in. Except my empty walls. Mascara smeared on my face. I was the saddest girl in the world, then.

But then, came a day. October twenty-first. I was told that I had to go on a "trip" for work. I didn't want to go. I was painfully shy, and the few friends and aquaintances I had made were not going to be there. I looked for somewhere to sit on the bus, and sat next to someone that I revered with idiocy. I felt out of place. My face was flushed. I wanted a smoke. I wanted more coffee. We arrived. And everyone piled out in an orderly fashion, breaking up into familiar cliques, and I stood alone. Looking for an anchor, a lifesavor. I was drowning in the sea of unknown faces.

He stood there. On that rainy, cold day. And I glanced up at his marvelous blue eyes, as I pleaded with mine, for something. For friendship. For company. For salvation. I wanted and he materialized. I asked him, and he abided. He spent the whole day with me. Making me laugh, and not feel so silly. He made me comfortable. He made me feel warm tingling deep in my belly. He made my palms sweat, and made me envision us kissing. There. With everyone to see. I wanted to say these things to him. I wanted to touch his hand, to feel his large man hands agaisn't my small childish hands. I wanted to feel him caress my cheek. To stroke my hair. To take me in an embrace.

It's not because I was lonely. It's not because I was sad.

I wanted him. Had to have him. But I couldn't bring myself to overcome my shy nature and just do it. I lacked courage. I didn't want to have my already bruised pride to be once again beaten. I was afraid. And a coward.

The cool raindrops on my forehead. I imagined his lips kissing my forehead. The wind shuddering in my ears. I envisioned his lips brushing lightly agaisn't my ear as he whispers something to me.

Our secret smiles. Our shared lunch of McDonald's. Our confessions of our past indiscretions. My wacky quirks, not scaring him away. But welcoming a smile of acceptance. Our oversharing. Our giggles. Our "first and second dates". All in one day. That night he came over. But only kissed me chastely on the lips. But it was the most yearnful kiss I have ever known. It was gentle. It was kind. It was a patient kiss. I knew then, that I could never let him go. For he was mine. My heart had tangled itself to his. Without permission. Without further acknowledgement from me. I wanted to bury this little nugget of goodness. To forget it. To put it away for safekeeping. I hold onto these memories for always. For those nights when he is not near, I can still unveil him in my mind. I can remember him as he was that day. Brave. Couragous. He took a chance on me. He has not regretted the decision thus far. I am just eternally grateful for having him near. For having the opportunity to experience something great like his love.

Thank you, October twenty-first. Thank you, for letting me find love. And for love still sticking around.

untitled

When I first knew of you, this was the song I would sing to you. It's the last thing I would sing every night, and the first thing you heard when you were in my embrace.

This is the song I hear in my head whenever we have good moments. I sing it for you. It is the song that describes my love for you. Simple and stronger than any other emotion, my heart has ever known. This is for you. The light of my eyes, my every smile, my every laugh, my every tear.

Sade: By Your Side

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave down when your down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that

I'll do you right when your wrong
I-----ohhh, ohhh

If only you could see into me

oh, when your cold I'll be there to hold you tight to me
When your on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, your so much better than you know
When your lost, when your alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling I'll bring you home

If you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees
I wouldn't do that

I'll do you right when your wrong
I-----I, ohhhh, ohhh

If only you could see into me
Oh when your cold
I'll be there
To hold you tight to me
Oh when your alone
I'll be there by your side baby
[repeat 1x]

I'm sorry I failed you and I continue to fail you. And have not wiped every tear. The guilt is still breeding inside of me. I'm sorry I'm quick to anger. And that I judge as she has done. I had made one decision that has impacted your life greatly, yet, I never consulted you. I am sorry for my misdeeds, for my lack of better judgement, for kissing you with my eyes closed so tightly from this world. I hope that one day, you will know that I loved you more than anything I have ever known.

I just wish that you are happy with me. I chose this for us. For you to be forever entangled in my heart, to pull me so close to you that it hurts. I want our hearts to be indebted to each other with the love and devotion that only we can share with one another.

I love you. Unconditionally.

I am your angel, your protector, your mother.