And his face is a map of the world...

I see my son and how beautiful he is to me. I never want him to feel like he is unwanted. I know that raising him in this area he will be likely more exposed to racism, and things that I don't want him to experience. In Texas, hispanics are the majority. But not here, in the DC area. I am thankful that he looks whiter than his father. He has dirty blonde hair, and light brown eyes. He is pale and his facial features aren't very "hispanic". His last name is a white man's name, and even though it pains me to carry that last name with mine, I am glad that he will never have to experience racism. I was exposed to it when I was younger, falling into stereotypes of my culture for being first generation American. My mother came here with dreams and hopes for her children to have a better life than she did. She fought bitterly through racial profiling and worked for meager earnings. She was lucky to possess blonde hair and green eyes. She learned to speak english, and got her citizenship when I was 15. By then, she was a loan manager for a lucrative realting company in Houston, owned her own house in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Houston, and had 3 children who stayed out of trouble for the most part. She grew into her own. She never let racism be a part of our lives and we were all proud to be mexican. I am damn proud of who I am and where my family comes from. But moving here, away from the comforts of Texas and the Tex-Mex environment, I am afraid that my son will be ashamed of what he is. Three quarters of his blood is mexican, and that is something to not shy away from. But at the same time, I don't want the stereotypes that have haunted my upbringing to follow him around. I see "Seperate but equal" signs in one the more liberal parts of DC, and my heart sank. I couldn't believe it. I just was flabbergasted that people still feel this way. That they feel the need to seperate each other. Why?! What does that accomplish besides ignorance and intolerance? I'm an educated hispanic-american woman, who serves in the greatest Army in the world: the U.S. Army. I work hard for my small paycheck, I hardly ever get thanked for my efforts, and I spend countless hours away from my own little heart with legs. I am torn over so many things. I want to teach my son spanish. I want him to know about how I was raised and about my family. I want him to celebrate the mexican holidays and to be proud to be hispanic. I thought that rasing a child should be trying at times, but more rewarding than anything else. But here I am debating whether I should teach my own son to speak my native language, because I don't want people to stereotype him. Yes, I am hispanic. I was a teen mother. I am a single mother. Why is that the minority gets dealt with intolerance when it comes to situations like mine. They find out I'm hispanic and a single mother, and they say "How typical!". That right there pisses me the fuck off. You don't fucking know me! You don't know what I went through! This was my fucking choice! NOT YOURS! Am I the only one who feels this way about this attitude from people or do they have a right to make these stereotypes? Everyone is entitled to their opinion, that's why so many people come to the US. So if this is the great melting pot of the world, why is everyone who isn't white or looks it get dealt the hand of ignorance?

Why I feel like I can't tell you things......

Jealousy

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

It's not that I don't trust you and I know you have had your blog longer than I have, so there should be some rule about that...and I know why you write things. But sometimes it...pisses me off to see you sharing about my everything and just about all that goes on. That's why I didn't want to tell you about Carmen, but it was eating away at me. Has been for months. Always there in the back of my mind. And when I figured who it was. Well, it pissed me off. Why? Because...I don't know. And not that I have any right to be mad about the past. Because you would be upset, too. And I don't want things to be like that. Because you have helped me open up and be myself, for the first time ever. I'm not scared to tell you things. Because I don't think you're out here trying to hurt me. Or trying to fuck me over intentionally...I just hate that you write things down like that. And I know that is how you may sort things out and I am doing the same thing here. But it's frustrating. And I didn't make that big of a deal of it. Yes, I'm jealous. HELLO, she's fucking HOT. I mean you passed that up to talk to me? I don't get it! I just, I don't know. I have no reason to be mad, because ya'll didn't do anything. And I don't want you to clam up and hide. I just....Ugh...this is how I feel right now. I feel very insecure about a lot of things. And I'm scared and I'm tired. And I'm trying and yet, failing. I'm just frustrated with everything. And I know I stress out about everything and I appreaciate all the wonderful times we spend together and how you know how to speak to my heart with your actions and how you make me feel safe. For the first time in my life, seriously feel safe. How you make me feel that everything will be okay, no matter what. I know that this whole post must be a big mess. But I don't know I'm just writting it all as I think it out. I'm PMS-ing. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm trying to make everyone happy and I'm unhappy with myself. I just want everything to work out. And I miss simpler days. I miss home. I haven't felt home since I have been here. I just have a storage place. I want. I can't have. I do. Yet, I fail. I need. But I don't. I'm stressed out, OVER WHAT?! I don't know. I can't believe he wants to be with me. I don't deserve him. He is so good to me. And I always mess things up. I just hope I can keep this together. For if I don't, I shall truly just whither away. And be nothing. Just an empty shell, heartless and cold to all men, except my baby boy.

Life at it's greatest...

I shall receive my first Army award on Friday. Yay! Wish me luck that I don't look like total shit. And make myself a complete ass. Maybe Randy will go, too. It'd be nice. Hint, hint!

From ashes, new life arises.....

So I have been pretty MIA from the whole blogger thing for a week or so. But here goes. I stated that my office had caught fire. And when they put it out, well there was a flood. And then they needed to recarpet it. And retile the ceiling. So yeah, that took forever. But I'm back. So here's a rundown of everything that has happened. Let's see if I can remember.

Monday, the 9th:

Was off. Did nothing. Except clean. And be mean. Oh yeah and study for a board, at work on my day off.

Tuesday, the 10th:

Studied. Did records. Studied. Did records.

Wednesday, the 11th:

Did records all day. Watched Crash. It was awesome. Went to therapist. Went home. Studied. Fell asleep studying.

Thursday, the 12th:

Woke up. Went to PT (like every other day!). Went to Board. Sucked at board. Went to Color Guard. Sucked at Color Guard. Went home. Slept like a baby.

Friday, the 13th:

Went to formation. Did nothing all day, basically. Went home.

Weekend: Took Gabe to get a haircut. His hair was long. I decided to finally just go out and get mine cut, too. I don't like it, but everyone else thinks it's cute. Damn vanity!
Oh yeah, took Randy out to Red Robin. We had fun. That was his first time. Oh and he spent most of the weekend with me, yay!

Monday, went to Target.

Tuesday, went to work. Had to pick up Gabe early from Daycare. Went home at 11. Slept till 4. Got chinese. And these awesome fortune cookies from Randy. They were special....

Today...Got rear-ended. But nothing happened to my car. Was an hour late to my appointment. So I had to wait till 1200 to be seen. My son turned into a turd, as I was patiently waiting a doctor to come. And now I'm exhausted.

The office is baren, the intercom works, my therapist, and compassion from HER

She called me into her office. Did that whole, run in here, ask me what I am doing...if I'm busy and tells me she wants to talk to me. So I follow her, dragging ass. Intentionally shove my co-worker's chair and he laughs. I walk into her office, she says to shut the door. I'm rolling my eyes to the door. As though they can see my frustration. She talks to me about the board. Yes, the board.

Ehem...Sorry, didn't mean to sound so disinterested. Or, distracted.

I mean I'm really trying to be the people pleaser here. I suffer from this stupid, stupid disease where I want everyone to be happy. Even if it makes me unhappy.

So, she asks.....

"Am I putting too much stress on you? How are you feeling?"

I couldn't even begin to disguise my smile, and my shocked look. I raised my eyebrows at her suspiciously....as in....What are you up to?

I told her how I feel. How pissed. How stressed. How I suck at being a Mom. How I suck at being in the Army. How I even suck at keeping up with everything. How I hate that my pay is fucked up. How I hate that I have no clue what I will do with my life. That I am terrified of going to school. That I wish I had more time. More. More. More.

She was compassionate and listened. And complimented me. Yes, she said she was glad that I was such a good worker. And such a busy little bee. She managed to make me feel like shit, for hating her.

Ugh. I hate that I am so forgiving with people most of the time. Like today. We'll be cool. But then she'll press my buttons again. And away we go.

My office caught on fire last week. Tarring the roof. When the fire department put out the fire they flooded my office.

Yup, that's right. Like Noah's Ark. Like the Old Testament or something. If that isn't a sign....Well, I dunno what is. So my office smells like burnt tar. Which is a fine mixture of ass and baby vomit plus lit matches.

Beep. The intercom went off. Yeah, it works! WOO HOO! I couldn't believe it. After all this time of us having to go all the way up or down to find someone...We can now shout it over the intercom and no longer be inconvenienced by malfunction of this feature!

So then everyone goes off on the intercom...

It was like fucking Christmas for all the ol' fogies who work here....

Talking shit. Followed by more shit. By more shit. Me yelling "Ya'll need to find God."
Hang up.
Giggle like a little school girl.
Make fun of old people in hall way.
Tell them to stop being so racist because of my skin color. *note: I'm really pale!*
Run back to baren office.

So the destruction is almost cleaned up. They replaced the ceiling. This weekend we should get new carpet. Fun times. WE got to move a bunch of shit out of one pretty big office in like 1 hour. We were sweating like pigs.

I was upset, because I have to reenliist. And not only do I have to wait until like August, I might not have options. Yay! Why wont the Army just let me go, already?!

It seems like everyday I stress out. Over miniscule insignificant shit. And that frutrates me and stresses me out further!

It's who I AM. I can't change that. I just am what I AM.

My therapist. She's silly. With her warm blue eyes. Her very irish face. Her sweet voice. She comforts me a great deal without a single touch. She listens to my inner fears. My inner voice. The one that hardly gets to speak. I told her of everything that has happened in the past couple of months since I had seen her. She wasn't surprised that I had a breakdown.

I forget about ME. A lot. ME. A LOT. Not such a good thing. Not conducive to successful relationships.

She thinks Randy is a good person for me. I shared my fears with her. Of my future. Of my parenting. Of my career. Of Randy. She reassures me and tells me to live in the present and enjoy that.

So I will. Tomorrow. If I have the time.

Oh wait....I wont...I need more of that...shit.
What am I supposed to do now?

My Ghosts of the Past Keep Haunting Me....

Before I was legally divorced, I had met someone that I thought was a really great person. He taught me to be assertive, to stand up for myself, and how not to be such a push over all the time. I was thankful for having him come into my life, and teach me that relationships weren't about explosive arguments, resentment, and false promises. But I was wrong about him in so many ways. He was emotionally unstable. He drank. A lot. He had to drink to function. I saw past that and saw that he was just deeply wounded from his first wife. I never asked him to put down the bottle. I just supported his decision in a very indirect way. I never addressed it. But it bothered me. Once he found out that I was tagged with orders to leave San Antonio, our "relationship" went sour. He became aggressive, verbally abusive, argumentative, suspicious, and just down right an asshole. But I didn't blame him for being like that. See that was the old me. The one who never put blame on anyone. Everything was always my fault. And he added fuel to that fire. He started to do things that frightened me. I was afraid. Of someone that I loved. Isn't that funny? I understand now, how those women who get abused physically must feel. They are manipulated into thinking that that is just how they are loved. I understand it all now. Because he did that to me. Not hit me, but abuse my mind and heart to think that way. That he was behaving like a normal, "in-love" guy....which he wasn't.

I am so thankful for having Randy in my life. We have yet to actually argue, and he loves me in the most sweet way. He is just gentle with me. He understands me without saying a word. He sees what others can't. And I don't have to tell him. He just knows. I hope he knows that I truly appreciate him. For everything he does. I couldn't fathom my life, my future without him by my side...commitment or not. I just want him to know and see that I love him. Like I have never loved anything in my life. I have been rather selfish and greedy in relationships. I was in my first marriage towards the end. I have been with other relationships. I tend to want everything and not give much. I gave a lot of myself in my marriage in the beginning though, and see how that turned out?

Well, as of yet, I have not been a very giving person. I have not kept up a wall, but I am not as careless in using affection and kind words with Randy. It's not that I don't feel those things, because I do. It's hard for me to put how I feel into words. Into sentences. That make sense. That explain that I, too, feel that way. That I am ecstatic to have him in my life. That I hope this never fades, or that the light he has brought into my heart never dimishes.

So back to the psycho guy....He called me last night. He always does this. He calls me, I tell him to leave me the fuck alone that I don't want him calling anymore, yet....he insists. I usually get all fucked up about it, because he knows how to make his words sting my heart. And for a while, I didn't think I would get over him. Funny, huh? I thought that maybe that was who was meant for me, but I hated him and loved him all at the same time. He was like this drug, took me higher than I could have imagined, but when the climax of those highs wore off the crash down was just that. It was lower than I have been. He made me see the multi-facets of what relationships could be. I was depressed....a manic depressive when I was with him. He drove me insane! So do you understand how this would fuck with me, when he would call? It would twist my heart in a knot, and my belly would do somersaults with anxiety and fear.

But last night was the only night since I have known him, that I didn't break. I didn't cry over him. I just was pissed. I could have sworn up and down that back in September that I told him to leave me the hell alone. To not call anymore, that we were not "friends". That we were OVER. That I needed him t respect my decision to not be with him. I repeated this again. Hopefully, he'll leave me alone, this time.

So why did I decide to write all this? Well, since I have been with Randy....I have thought a lot of my past relationships. The characters I have played. I am not playing one with Randy. I am actually learning to just be myself. He can either take it....or leave it. I refuse to try to be something that isn't me. For a long time, I doubted if I would be able to have a good relationship, especially after psycho guy. I kept a distance in my heart from people that I was in relationships with. I didn't want to fall again for anyone. Not after my track record. And with psycho calling me, reminding me that I was his..that no one would love me again...well, I had a very distorted view about relationships and such.

But last night was the first time that I actually felt closure. Like I had been hanging on to him for whatever fucked up reason. And I know this might hurt to read Randy, and you have a right to be upset. But this is something that I have finally done. On my own. I needed to sever the last string of connection there. And I think I finally did. Thank you, Randy. For showing me that love doesn't come with consequences. That it is not hateful, or argumentative. That it's not greedy, deceitful, or resentful. That love is good, and kind. That it's full of hope and real promises. That it is about opening your heart, and your mind to the sweetest of all songs. The song about real love. The love that you only read about nowadays. So, thank you, Randy. I love you with all my heart, and I actually mean it.....

I think I might drop my basket....

I know that lately I have been unbearably angry. I'm angry at so many things. I'm tired, exhausted, confused, weary and definitely worn down. I want so many things that are beyond my reach. It's frustrating. The people around me want 100% and I can't offer that. I fall short of expectations and I hate being seen as a mistake or a fuck up. But that's how I feel. I feel the pressure building in my soul, inside of me. There is an insumountable amount of pressure. From everyone. From my unruly child, who demans my affection, devoted attention, and unconditional love. From my boss, who wants me to study and go to "mock" boards. NEXT WEEK! Does she actually think that I have the fucking time to study? WTF?! I barely have time to breathe when I get home! Who the hell wants to study Army shit? Especially after a long day here at work? She wants me to do my accredidation for my job, which I do deserve. I know my job basically inside and out, yet don't have any paperwork to back me up. I just feel so stressed. Like the weight of the world rest on my shoulders. Not that it does. But that's how I feel. I am losing it. I have completely lost my sanity, it feels like. And I have no one to turn to. Or at least that's how I feel. It's not that I can't talk to Randy or my family, but I feel like I burden them enough with everything else, that I would hate to stress them out. I just...I don't know. I know I have an appointment with my "therapist" on the 5th, and I really need to go to that. I just don't know. I feel so alone. I feel like I should give up. I'm breaking down. I'm just so tired and overstressed. This past month has been crappy. My pay was fucked up, work has been a bitch, my ex wants to come up here in April. WHY?! He is going to get Gabe in June! So why come up here a month before?! I don't get it. I'm already stressing about him coming up here. I'm not going to burn up my leave time to accomodate his lazy ass. And I'm not trusting him with my car...especially not here in DC. And I don't want him in my house. Judging me and the way I live. I don't need "daddy" to come check up on me. It's the last thing I need. Plus with work being how it is...I just...UGH!!!!!!!!! I'm not trying to be a bitch to Randy, but I don't know what is wrong with me. I just am angry at everything else and the fact that no matter what I do, I can't control my child. Not that I want absolute control, just enough to where he listens and follows instructions. Is that too much to ask for? He makes me feel like a terrible mother. It used to be so easy. I was super patient with him before. But now, it seems since I don't vent my other frustrations he just sets me off. It scares me to lose my cool like I do with him. It's as though my short fuse is amplified when he is around. I'm pissed. At what? Well, a lot of things. I am pissed that I had to move here. It makes my personal life much more difficult. I don't deal well with change and I am still learning how to accept in the inevitable as far as my son son goes. I know that I will tied to his father for the rest of Gabe's life whether I like it or not. So why make it a difficult relationship. But he makes it damn near impossible to talk to him. I hate that I can't tell him important stuff or that I let him basically walk all over me like a damn welcome mat. I don't want him to come in April. Yet, I have not made it completely clear to him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. After all we are divorced now. No need to try to fall back into that familiar role, one that was not wanted and isn't wanted anymore. I just feel so tired and just defeated. Like my lifehas sucked away the last twinkle in my eyes. The naive and immature view of the world that I once possessed is being mirred by sadness and just this depression it seems like. I can't seem to find happiness. It's not that my life lacks it. I have plenty of happiness and plenty to be grateful for. But I just am so exhausted and worn down. And that's how I know I shall soon drop my basket and lose it all. It's how I have always functioned.